EDITING

I got a message from a women who felt I was judging in my last post. She felt I was disrespecting those who choose to work & "ditch their kid out to daycare." I didn't mean it that way. It was a personal, reactionary post. This is not The New York times, folks.

We all need support, that is why I posted about feeling judged regarding the choices myself and family have made. Judging other people is the opposite of what I am trying to do here.

The term "ditched my kid out to daycare" could have been traded for a less incendiary term, but this is my vernacular and this is my place in the ether to write.

I was having a discussion Last week about how sick I'd become regarding people seemingly competing about what is the best way. The Best Way is the way that works for each family.

I thank this person for for piping up and letting me know I was "pretty judgy-sounding". I thought it was obvious I was responding to being made to feel poorly for staying at home.

Part of me thought she was just being a tad shirty - I felt should know me well enough to give me the benefit of the doubt. I took that personally.

Lesson: When you throw your words into the ether, you can't take them back. When you don't edit carefully, you can't blame other people for your missteps.

Of course, I am still going to write. I am going to piss people off without meaning to. I'm going to fuck up. I'm going to learn lessons. I'm a better person for trying. Always have been.

LIFE CHOICES

My child is having a rare experience, she is napping.

I think of the load of work I need to get done. I won't care about it right now, I need to let myself write. I stopped writing every day when my girl started sleeping less. She might have an afternoon nap after much coercion, then I would try to run my business and keep up with the housework. Ridiculous. I knew women who worked from home with small children but haven’t a clue how they did it. Secret nannies? Baby bourbon? Negligence?

"So, how is your business going?" A question I began to dread. I am a Stay at Home mom who looks after another kid while I am at it. I have a tiny amount of time without a child and that time is spent with clients. I get zero personal time. That is how it is going. Well, was going. I get one day a week now. She is in daycare and I get to work alone. Glory.

People are allowed to ask how things are going with your work. It's up to you whether you want to be honest or not, or resentful.

The problem wasn't the question. The problem was the feeling that I needed to be raising my child and running a lucrative business at the same time. The problem was the guilt over not making good money because I wanted to be with my child and that was the most important thing to me.

Recently an acquaintance asked me "What on earth are you going to do with yourself when she goes to school?" I'm sure she didn't mean to sound like a …twat. She spoke like someone who is not a parent, and someone who doesn't know me. She may have meant to a bitch though. I don't know. People judge. People project their own stuff onto your situation. People gossip. I felt so many things in the moment of that question. I let them go. Then I made myself a promise not to dwell on all the shit flying off the fan of her seemingly innocent question. It was all I could do not to say something…crisp.

Clearly, I broke my promise not to dwell on her question. Buddhism is tough sometimes.

There are many, many things my capable and brilliant self could be doing. Right now I am with my kid. That is the best capable and brilliant thing I could be doing. The family comes first.

I have a business. I love what I do. It's a small business because that is what I can handle. When my child is in school, I might put more into the business. That would be logical. Maybe I won't though. Maybe I will do something different yet equally awesome. Until then, I do what I can in the moments I have. They are most often frantic and too short, but they are also happy and satisfying. I am surrounded by love and joy. I am living genuinely.

That is what I am going to do with myself when my child in school, as I do every day. Live genuinely.

EDIT: And YES. I know I am not BRILLIANT. I have moments, seconds, dreams...Sometimes I am brilliant but mostly I am just a big fan.