EDITING

I got a message from a women who felt I was judging in my last post. She felt I was disrespecting those who choose to work & "ditch their kid out to daycare." I didn't mean it that way. It was a personal, reactionary post. This is not The New York times, folks.

We all need support, that is why I posted about feeling judged regarding the choices myself and family have made. Judging other people is the opposite of what I am trying to do here.

The term "ditched my kid out to daycare" could have been traded for a less incendiary term, but this is my vernacular and this is my place in the ether to write.

I was having a discussion Last week about how sick I'd become regarding people seemingly competing about what is the best way. The Best Way is the way that works for each family.

I thank this person for for piping up and letting me know I was "pretty judgy-sounding". I thought it was obvious I was responding to being made to feel poorly for staying at home.

Part of me thought she was just being a tad shirty - I felt should know me well enough to give me the benefit of the doubt. I took that personally.

Lesson: When you throw your words into the ether, you can't take them back. When you don't edit carefully, you can't blame other people for your missteps.

Of course, I am still going to write. I am going to piss people off without meaning to. I'm going to fuck up. I'm going to learn lessons. I'm a better person for trying. Always have been.

LIFE CHOICES

My child is having a rare experience, she is napping.

I think of the load of work I need to get done. I won't care about it right now, I need to let myself write. I stopped writing every day when my girl started sleeping less. She might have an afternoon nap after much coercion, then I would try to run my business and keep up with the housework. Ridiculous. I knew women who worked from home with small children but haven’t a clue how they did it. Secret nannies? Baby bourbon? Negligence?

"So, how is your business going?" A question I began to dread. I am a Stay at Home mom who looks after another kid while I am at it. I have a tiny amount of time without a child and that time is spent with clients. I get zero personal time. That is how it is going. Well, was going. I get one day a week now. She is in daycare and I get to work alone. Glory.

People are allowed to ask how things are going with your work. It's up to you whether you want to be honest or not, or resentful.

The problem wasn't the question. The problem was the feeling that I needed to be raising my child and running a lucrative business at the same time. The problem was the guilt over not making good money because I wanted to be with my child and that was the most important thing to me.

Recently an acquaintance asked me "What on earth are you going to do with yourself when she goes to school?" I'm sure she didn't mean to sound like a …twat. She spoke like someone who is not a parent, and someone who doesn't know me. She may have meant to a bitch though. I don't know. People judge. People project their own stuff onto your situation. People gossip. I felt so many things in the moment of that question. I let them go. Then I made myself a promise not to dwell on all the shit flying off the fan of her seemingly innocent question. It was all I could do not to say something…crisp.

Clearly, I broke my promise not to dwell on her question. Buddhism is tough sometimes.

There are many, many things my capable and brilliant self could be doing. Right now I am with my kid. That is the best capable and brilliant thing I could be doing. The family comes first.

I have a business. I love what I do. It's a small business because that is what I can handle. When my child is in school, I might put more into the business. That would be logical. Maybe I won't though. Maybe I will do something different yet equally awesome. Until then, I do what I can in the moments I have. They are most often frantic and too short, but they are also happy and satisfying. I am surrounded by love and joy. I am living genuinely.

That is what I am going to do with myself when my child in school, as I do every day. Live genuinely.

EDIT: And YES. I know I am not BRILLIANT. I have moments, seconds, dreams...Sometimes I am brilliant but mostly I am just a big fan.

Alone Time for Parents

I'm in my den taking advantage of time alone. I try to hurry into doing something productive, yet personal, yet satisfying. And awesome - let's not forget awesome.

Since becoming a mother I have learned that I am never alone, and never will be alone again. There really is no Alone Time anymore.

Oh, she is downstairs with her father right now, but she is always in my mind. The fact that I will soon need to go take care of her is one that breathes down my neck, whether I like the hot dragony gust or not. So, as a parent, I know I am never alone.

Sometimes when I have time alone it is like knowing that as soon as I fall asleep, the phone will ring. That's parenthood. I try to make great - no, excellent!- use of this free time. Thus creating procrastination, panic, resentment.

Yoga is the one thing I can do that really makes me feel like I have used my time wisely and with the most effect. An hour or more to stretch, breathe, dump and recharge. Personal development that takes care of my mind, body & spirit. I can connect with community, feel peace, better myself and truly breath through yoga. The conflicts come away. I leave the mat knowing I have what it takes to be needed around the clock by a little person, knowing I can do it all, knowing that being in the moment is more important than concerning myself with how little time I may have.

Ah, perspective. Now I can enjoy more alone time, on the couch with a book....and maybe a kid crawling all over me.

(Though I am still savouring this boon of time given me by my partner who is happy to laze with our child after his long run this morning. )

VICTORY IS MINE (It belongs to everyone)

Here it is, my glorious return to blogging. I was holding out for something deep, enlightened and, "like, really cool," but that is a form of procrastination I've been using for years.

I've busted myself. I'm no longer letting myself get held back by the notion of perfection. The ideas and stress of performing intelligently, interestingly, artistically and profoundly at all times. What bizarre torture that is.

To mask my imperfection I have always used humour or disdain. I'd laugh at myself and then say I didn't want to join that club anyway.

It is okay to just be.

This has been my lesson.

I'm always striving to better myself, to learn more, to be more. This is healthy. Yet, I have dropped the notion that I have to be excellent at everything. I have discarded the need to appear together when I am not. I am fine with potentially looking silly when I don't have the answers.

How you live, see yourself, see the world. It is up to you. Victory is yours.