LIFE CHOICES

My child is having a rare experience, she is napping.

I think of the load of work I need to get done. I won't care about it right now, I need to let myself write. I stopped writing every day when my girl started sleeping less. She might have an afternoon nap after much coercion, then I would try to run my business and keep up with the housework. Ridiculous. I knew women who worked from home with small children but haven’t a clue how they did it. Secret nannies? Baby bourbon? Negligence?

"So, how is your business going?" A question I began to dread. I am a Stay at Home mom who looks after another kid while I am at it. I have a tiny amount of time without a child and that time is spent with clients. I get zero personal time. That is how it is going. Well, was going. I get one day a week now. She is in daycare and I get to work alone. Glory.

People are allowed to ask how things are going with your work. It's up to you whether you want to be honest or not, or resentful.

The problem wasn't the question. The problem was the feeling that I needed to be raising my child and running a lucrative business at the same time. The problem was the guilt over not making good money because I wanted to be with my child and that was the most important thing to me.

Recently an acquaintance asked me "What on earth are you going to do with yourself when she goes to school?" I'm sure she didn't mean to sound like a …twat. She spoke like someone who is not a parent, and someone who doesn't know me. She may have meant to a bitch though. I don't know. People judge. People project their own stuff onto your situation. People gossip. I felt so many things in the moment of that question. I let them go. Then I made myself a promise not to dwell on all the shit flying off the fan of her seemingly innocent question. It was all I could do not to say something…crisp.

Clearly, I broke my promise not to dwell on her question. Buddhism is tough sometimes.

There are many, many things my capable and brilliant self could be doing. Right now I am with my kid. That is the best capable and brilliant thing I could be doing. The family comes first.

I have a business. I love what I do. It's a small business because that is what I can handle. When my child is in school, I might put more into the business. That would be logical. Maybe I won't though. Maybe I will do something different yet equally awesome. Until then, I do what I can in the moments I have. They are most often frantic and too short, but they are also happy and satisfying. I am surrounded by love and joy. I am living genuinely.

That is what I am going to do with myself when my child in school, as I do every day. Live genuinely.

EDIT: And YES. I know I am not BRILLIANT. I have moments, seconds, dreams...Sometimes I am brilliant but mostly I am just a big fan.